A Package Arrived

Six months ago today, I received a package.  I remember it just as if it were yesterday.  Now, some of the details are a little hazy, but I do know it turned out to be the best day of my life, to date.  I woke up at 5 am on January 29th.  I don't think I slept more than an hour or two that night.  I knew today was the big day!  With a planned c-section there's no real guessing when the baby is going to make it's appearance.  In some ways it's great and other ways, it is so stressful.  For a whole month I knew my baby would be born on the 29th.  I had a whole month to work up some serious nerves. 

Leading up to his birth I was tired, ok exhausted, but I was running at full steam ahead.  I took the week off before to get ready and to spend time with Anjoli.  We had a nice visit.  We went to Cava for dinner, we baked cookies and cake for my birthday.   She took me to get my toes done and we stocked the frig and cleaned the house from top to bottom.  Well, Anjoli did a lot more cleaning than me.  I remember thinking that she had so much energy!  I just didn't know how she was moving so quickly.  Anjoli was probably running on sheer adrenaline, as she had just found out she was expecting a baby the night before she arrived at my house.  That was the best news ever! Oh crazy was that!

As the big day grew near, we both seemed to be slowing down a little.  A few nights we rented chick flicks and pulled out the fold out sofa and snuggled with the dogs and blankets.  Well, Friday was finally here and I was up at the crack of dawn. I woke James up and said,"today is the big day, it's finally time".  I went to the kitchen and made us eggs and toast.  I knew it would be my last meal for awhile and I just couldn't imagine being hungry all day.  We ate our breakfast and I could instantly tell he was as nervous and maybe even more than me.  James rarely gets nervous, but on this morning I could sense it running throughout his body.  He tried so hard to hide it from me, but my senses where on high alert that day.

Anjoli woke up a few hours later.  She was buzzing around.  There was this intense buzz in the house.  I can't really put words to it, but it was intense.  We took some last minute photos in front of the fireplace, where I had taken all of my former pregnancy photos.  Today,  I thought,  would be the last day I would have a belly.  I knew I wanted to remember this morning.  Today was the day I'd meet Owen, but would I miss my belly and him being there?  I was pleased Anjoli was there to get some photos, even if I looked like I was about to pop.  We loaded all of our stuff into the car and took off for the hospital.  As we got closer to the hospital I couldn't decide if I was happy, scared, nervous, terrified or just so happy today was the day.  I had never felt like that before!  When we walked into the maternity ward to check in, my heart began to pound.  I wanted to sob.  Oh how I wanted to just fall down on the ground and cry.  I didn't want to go behind those doors.  Those big doors!  I knew what was behind them.  Oh how I didn't want to go, but I knew it was time and the sooner I got through the hard part the sooner I could hold my little package.  It was time to go.  Deep breath and another pep talk.  I bet no one around me really knew how much I was shaking.  You know those goats that fall down or faint when they get scared, well my emotions were doing just that.  They were locking down.  I was so scared that I probably looked calm.  I was numb with fear, but so happy at the same time.

James and I left behind Paula and Anjoli in the waiting room, where there was an even more intense buzz.  Not only was my crew buzzing, but there were a few other families waiting to receive their little packages too. I think I actually felt a little calmer once I went back to the "prep room".  It was just the two of us there.  That hour that followed was probably the longest hour of my life.  The clock was moving so slowly.  Any longer and I would have ran out of there, naked with only a  gown on, and headed right for the exit.  I was so thankful when my Dr. finally showed up and said, "are you ready to do this?"  Well, duh!  I was beyond ready at this point.  Then the nerves kicked into overdrive.  It hit me! " I am about to go under the knife.  I am really about to do this".  I began to cry and I looked over at James.  He wanted to know why I was so upset.  I told him I wasn't sad, but I was scared.  "What if something happens?"  I then asked him to please pray for me.  I have never in 4 years asked him to pray for me.  Actually, thinking about it, I have never asked anyone to pray for me.  I needed to know that he was asking God to look over me and to bring our baby into the word safely.  He smiled a sweet smile and said, "you will be fine."  That is just like James and I don't know what else I was expecting him to say, but at the time I thought, "that's it?  that's all you got."  Months later, he told me he was so taken  when I asked him to pray.  He didn't know how truly scared I was.  He told me -he later said that prayer.

It was time to go.  Now this is where it gets a little fuzzy because within the next 15 minutes I was pumped full of drugs.  I got my spinal tap.  Boy, what a weird feeling that was.  I then went flat on my back and the pit crew (OR staff) went to work on me.  James came in waring his blue scrubs.  I thought he would make a very handsome Dr.  Hahaha!  Then my Dr. came in and turned up the music.  I just kept thinking, "What is with everyone today?  Everywhere I go, people are so buzzy!"  The OR was rocking at this point.  The Black Eyed Peas song came on, Today's gonna be a good day, or what ever that song is.  I laughed to myself,  "How appropriate! Yes, today was going to be a good day."  I just had to keep repeating that to myself.

Things were moving quickly at this point and I knew we were getting closer.  They asked me if I felt "That".  "What?  Felt what?  What are you talking about?  Huh, what?"  I was drugged, but I wasn't stupid.  No one answered me.  They all just kept working and ignored me.  Well, then it hit me!  "Oh ok, they are checking to see if I can feel them cutting into me. Crap!  There's no going back now.  I am here and we are doing this!.  No, I can 't feel anything!"  Within a few minutes my Dr. tells James to look over at his son.  I can't remember what he said.  I know he commented something about  him being blue. Everyone cheered! 
"Happy Birthday!"  Everyone kept saying happy birthday over and over again.  "Wow!  He's here!"  I heard him let out a cry!  I asked if that was MY baby?  "Yes, that is your son crying."  I cried.  Oh, finally my little package had arrived!  He was here and screaming!  He had arrived!

The hours that followed this are even more fuzzy.  I was exhausted and coming down from the drugs.  When I finally got to my room and was able to hold Owen, every worry and fear had left me for that moment.  The only thing I could think about at that point,  "I am now a Mommy and for him I must be strong."  I wish I could say I remember his face or eyes or something.....Gosh, that's not what I wanted,  to be in a drug state the first time I laid eyes on my son.  I will say, even though I was drugged, I know I felt love for him.

As the day grew to an end and I began to ware down, we asked the nurse to take Owen to the nursery so we could sleep.  It was after he left the room and we were all alone again, just James and I, that I had the biggest cry of my life.  I felt my whole body shake and convulse.  I could finally let it all out!  I didn't have to be strong anymore.  Owen wouldn't see me cry.  I sobbed, we had made it!  We were finally a family and now we could start our new lives with Owen, as parents.  I have never cried like that.  Poor James!  He was at my bed side holding me.  Just letting me get it all out.  I fell more in love with him on that day.

I know this is long and if you are still following, you are kind.  This is healing for me to write about.  My delivery went smoothly thank goodness and it was a good day, but the days and weeks and even months there after were challenging.  Owen's birth in some ways was quickly over shadowed by me getting sick.  I became very ill with Eclampsia and unfortunately it was not caught right away, but we are lucky we caught it when we did.  I hate that I saw my life flash before my eyes.  There is such little understanding about the condition and that leaves a lot of worry in your mind once they tell you that's what you have.  Most pregnant women will get it around 20 weeks, but I was in the 2% category that develops it after delivery.  This shook me up alright.  But some good did come of it.  It caused me to make some life changes. Since all of this, I have been on a pretty healthy diet.  I have made a commitment to work out 3-4 days a week and monitor my blood pressure regularly.  I'm only 30, and while that is still young, it's never too early to think about your health.

So that's my birth story.  That's how it all happened.  That's how my little man came into this world.  He arrived to the tune of, Today's gonna be a good day!  I catch myself humming that sometimes.

Six months ago today, I received a package, a tiny little package.  A baby, a life and forever I am changed.

Owen's brought me laughter, some tears (all good ones), but above all else, he's brought me strength and courage. 

Owen,

Happy six months to my little monkey boy!  I hope the next half year proves to be just as good as this past.  Every day I am amazed by you.  Your smile makes me smile.  I love to hear you giggle.  Your sloppy, little, wet kisses make my whole world.  I love all of you..  Mommy thinks you are super!  You were the best birthday gift and I can't wait to celebrate with you year after year!

Love,
Mommy

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, homes happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

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